Wednesday, March 29, 2006


My latest ATC...Do you like 'dark' trading cards? Then check out Moody Trading Cards

*Warning* Below is a bunch of angry venting. Half sad, half quarky-funny.

Lately I've been feeling out of sorts-which is typically normal for this time of year but lately I've been feeling angry. Maybe because I want to change and it's my way of working through it. But I want to try something out... I want to tell you truthfully how I feel. I want to expose it to the world and see what happens...An experiment, if you will.

I was writing my daily pages this morning and began to wonder how long I would keep this journal. After all, I'm notorious for throwing away 'evidence' - especially journals because I don't like what I've said and god forbid someone stumbles upon it and finds out how I really feel. My warped thought process automatically thinks that I am objectionable. And if they did find out how I really felt or thought, they would absolutely hate me.

Now, before you start feeling sorry for me... I know this is a distorted thought process. I am doing this to expose my biggest secret and prove to myself that nothing bad will happen by doing so.

Ok, I was saying that I imagine people disliking me like as they would dislike poison or Hitler. Logically when I think about it, even if I were Hitler I would still catch a break... (to this day there are a bunch of Neo-Nazi psychopaths that think Hitler was great)
My point being that I could be Hitler or the Devil himself and someone would still like me. Luckily I'm just an average nice person-I smile at everyone who catches my eye and I don't demand human sacrifices in my name.

I try to make myself feel better and jokingly tell myself that there has never been an incident where an angry mob weilding primitive rakes and torches chase me out of the grocery store yelling obscenities and throwing rocks. Not that it helps because I really don't think there's a mob waiting for me. It's just a feeling that there are eyes everywhere and a cruel Joan Rivers commentary as I bring in the garbage cans.

I know it's a fear of being embarrassed or confronted but it's not like I can't hold my own ground. I do think that I am good at defending myself and don't stand for anyone being mean to me or the people around me - I will speak out.

I just want to stop feeling this's so exhausting.